Markizano.NET

I just printed this and put it on my wall. I heard that if you put words in your space, it's like casting a spell with them. I want to cast a spell to never see this feeling again. To never question my worth. To never challenge my purpose again. I aspire to live a life with purpose. I aspire to live with meaning. I aspire to teach, to grow, to learn, to evolve. Seeing you grow, learn and evolve gives me purpose. If I helped inspire that, then that's why I'm here!

https://youtu.be/ErMSHiQRnc8 At 18:18 this evening, 36 years ago, I was delivered unto this world. At age 12, I had a psychotic break that unlocked the memories of my passing from before life to this life... This animation, made so simply illustrates what that was like for me. I was something more than just human before I was human. The story of Markizano Draconus is an illustration of what that was like for me. Stories of past lives and memories of where I came before I ended up on this Earth. Illustrations and stories of what it would be like to be naturally supernatural. I'm so grateful to the author of this animation (Alan Becker) who so succinctly described what it was like being born. Some parts were definitely exaggerated for visual effects here, but the principals remain the same... The story of The Egg ( https://youtu.be/h6fcK_fRYaI ) is another really great example: you and I are God, little tiny baby gods who are yet to be born in the universe properly. The love I feel f...

When I was a child, I was not allowed to go more than 2 houses down the street because my overprotective mother was too scared the boogey man was going to rape me. As a result, I never learned what many children learn at 3 and 4 when it comes to interacting with other children. When I finally start school, I don't know how to make friends or play nice with the other students. I honestly don't know how I made it but I somehow did. When I was 15, my dad told me I was finally old enough to go out on my own and do what I want because my curfew was 10 PM. If I was going to be out later than that, just communicate as I make my way home. "Great job, dad." I retorted. "I don't know how to make friends now and because of your direction, all the kids at school are my enemies!" I also remember my father telling me that I would be lucky to find someone who would ever be there for me in the way my mom was for him. He told me if I was extraordinary, I may be fortunate...

 What I want and look for in this world is that everyone find their happiness. And no, I'm not talking about the $300,000 a year paycheck, or the fancy $1 million dollar home, nor the token couple of parents see you may be able to post about on instagram. I'm talking about that "I have what I need" happiness. "My immediate needs are taken care of and I have the possibility to pursue what I want in life" happiness. The kind of friendship shared over years and knowing someone has your back happiness. I want everyone to find their love as well. And I'm not talking about that stuff you're doing a bedroom or a dark alley, no.. I'm talking about that basic form of I give a shit about you, I care about your being, I care about your health, your happiness, your needs, your rights and I want all of those boxes checked not some of them and that is non-negotiable thank you very much -- kind of love. I want everyone to find that I forgive you past and future...

What is suicide to me and why is this something I'm suddenly making visible? It's to make the fight I face in the dark to the light. To bring the pain forth so it can be felt and dealt with accordingly. Preface Let me first preface with this: I have never shared these feelings, thoughts or other very close personal details before in my life. I do not cry "suicide" to get attention. If I wanted that, there are more effective ways to draw attention. If I were to draw attention, it would not be to me, but your own internal stigmas against it. If reading this you immediately had an emotional gut response to "save me", then keep reading. I have more juicy insights for you. Coming from someone who lingers and lurks at the edge of existence nearly daily, I want to share some insights from my perspective that might help you see and understand better. I am NOT saying my words are all that matter. I am merely sharing my perspective and my experiences with this feeling...

 It's a real choice. I choose life every day. I have to. I face this decision every single day. Every. Single. Day. Some face a lack of love for the self and seek that from someone else. When they are denied that love, it's like denying life. They choose death. Some face a lack of love from their environment. When they are denied that love, it's like living in solitary confinement. We all know that's a death sentence to anyone. So they choose death. Some experience a guilt so strong it convinces them they do not belong. They do not deserve to exist here. I don't deserve to exist because I'm a mistake. My parents did not plan to conceive me. I was worse than an "accident" that we tried to correct. I was a complete failure and disappointment and they should have had an abortion. So they choose death. Sometimes, during the day or the night, you just feel like you want to logout for a while and take a break. You think you can come back, but it's like S...