Blessed By Love

When I was a child, I was not allowed to go more than 2 houses down the street because my overprotective mother was too scared the boogey man was going to rape me. As a result, I never learned what many children learn at 3 and 4 when it comes to interacting with other children.

When I finally start school, I don't know how to make friends or play nice with the other students. I honestly don't know how I made it but I somehow did.

When I was 15, my dad told me I was finally old enough to go out on my own and do what I want because my curfew was 10 PM. If I was going to be out later than that, just communicate as I make my way home.

"Great job, dad." I retorted. "I don't know how to make friends now and because of your direction, all the kids at school are my enemies!"

I also remember my father telling me that I would be lucky to find someone who would ever be there for me in the way my mom was for him. He told me if I was extraordinary, I may be fortunate enough to find two in my life ever.

When I was old enough to live on my own, I sacrificed human connection, friendships, and relationships for financial stability and independence. I had to have a job, but more than that, I refused to flip burgers for life. I was determined to do something more significant with my life, so I juggled college and work at the same time. Work didn't care of I had friends or was doing well. The value of my life was completely dependent on how much utility I could provide to society. When I could not provide that utility, I was laid off and left to live on the streets, like a factionless, homeless person. But I didn't live on the streets. Despite the $14.32 an hour I was making, I managed to save $1500 within 10 months and used that to survive the next 2 months whilst I searched for my next opportunity.

Some connections were made through work over the coming years. A good coworker and dear friend of mine helped me win 3 jobs in a row with him for 3 years and was even gracious enough to share his home with me when I was between methods of income.

I aspired for more. Human connection was not on my radar. I was going to bust my ass to become a good manager and get a great salary and tell people what to do because that's the `murikan dream, right??

It was not until I arrived in the DFW area that I finally could make an attempt with my newfound remote job that allowed me to work for six figures from wherever I wanted to do whatever I wanted and provide quality utility and work for the company. In this time, I explored my ability to make connections.

I explored the things I had been missing all my life. I tried my best to maintain what I could, but at the end of the day, I didn't know what I was doing.

I still don't exactly know what I am doing, but I have a better idea of what I want.

I know I am not monogamous. I learned that with my previous relationship. There are far too many delicious men to savor, taste, try and enjoy. Why limit one's options to just one?

In my most recent experiments, I have discovered I am in fact polyamorous. I want to be able to say that I love everyone. I want to be able to express that with all of my soul. However, my body and mind know better: Not everyone wants to be loved. Not everyone recognizes love. Not everyone accepts love. I am not talking about sex nor the romantic type of spell you endure when you first meet someone and fancy chemicals and hormones are spewing about in the brain. So, if you are misandrist, homophobic, authoritarian, or a heternormative oriented kind of person, respectfully, fuck you too and I hate you just as much. For the rest of you sane mortals on this planet, thank you for your existence and I love you too.

However, my years have also taught me that I only have so many moments and time to give to those I allow to be close to me. I only have so many moments in my life to really do the things I want before the end of my days here. I have always wanted to be so much more than just a corporate slave to whatever company happens to be paying for access to my expertise in my field.

In my time here in Dallas, I have come across many of you and shared time with you. I have gotten to know myself a lot deeper. I have spent a great deal of time in silence and solitude. I have taken the time to heal. I have taken the time to find my self love. I have taken the time to learn how to respect myself even in my inner ruminations. I have learned a lot.

I also recognize the love that is shared with me and shown to me. I want you to know that I take an intentional moment every single day to acknowledge my gratitude for that love. Even if you don't get a text from me or hear it from me, I want you to know I am grateful for your love.

My father's words ring in my head as I wake this morning. Two of my dearest loves are literally and metaphorically in both my hands. After over a year of deliberations, misunderstandings, arguments, incredibly intense emotional moments and tons upon copious amounts of emotional learning and biological experience: We've arrived.

I am grateful for this moment.

I am loved... and by more than just one.

It may not be the kind of love that you, heternormativity, want for me, but it's the kind of love that I have cultivated. Its the kind of love that I have forged from the fiery pits of hell and intense emotional strife. Despite my history and upbringing, I have healed myself. I have shown others how to heal themselves and how to rise to the charge of maintaining personal conduct. I want to learn more about this. I want to teach and share my experiences with this because we are totally lacking in documentation and structure with emotions, I believe.

I always take a moment every day to intentionally say "thank you" to the Universe, even if it's only future me that hears it, I want it to be known: I am grateful.

My daily gratitude prayer:

Thank you. I am grateful for the food in my belly, clothes on my back, roof over my head and the means to pay my way. I am grateful to my lifestyle, to my loved ones, to those that support me in my endeavours. I am grateful to my intelligence and its ability to handle everything I do and think; to my charisma and ability to gently influence people with my personality to see them smile; to my mental capacity and ability to think. I am grateful for my mental freedoms and liberties. I am grateful to the ones that love me for without their love and support, I would have surely ended my suffering by my own hands long ago. I am grateful to still be here to see this come to pass.