Existential Crisis

What's the point of it all?

I'm just a nobody.

Nobody will know my name.

Nobody really gives a fuck about me or my goals or desires because they are all in their own pointless goals and desires.

It's a game of describe yourself in a system with no rules and every action you take not only has a counteraction, but a negative one too.

Somebody will always be hurt by what you do, no matter how nice it is.

Somebody will always disagree in some shape or fashion.

There's nothing I can realistically do to change this system because all of you built it together.

All of you built all this suffering and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it because I am suffering along with you.

It doesn't matter how much self-love I practice. It doesn't matter how much others show their love to me.

I'm suffering deeper and it grows deeper every day.

Every. Single. Day.

I live with this constant feeling deep inside me that always repeats the same thing:

"I want to die."

Why?

I have no interests here, really. The interests and things I have picked up on are patterns I've seen in my life, not real things I find a true desire for.

I have no desires for anyone or anything in this world, truly, other than my death.

I don't hurt to grab attention.

I don't cry like this because I want you to care for me. I'm supposed to care for me, right?

I cry like this because you suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.

I cry like this because I suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.

We are genetically bound and psychologically programmed to suffer. There's no removing it.

We may experience moments where we aren't paying attention to the suffering, but we never stop suffering.

What's the point of it all?

I don't deserve anything in this life. I don't deserve to live.

It doesn't matter how much love I shower myself with.

It doesn't matter how much everyone else showers their love onto me.

It feels like it will never be enough to satisfy the insatiable devil that consumes all love.

and so, this is just a life of suffering.

Is that a life worth living?

Just when I think that's the worst of it, the mantra within changes... no longer is it just a desire

to die, it mutates.

"I don't want to exist."

The despair from the idea of this phrase.

It's worse than just cutting my jugular in an open field and away from the city where I don't make a mess and can return to the Earth by natural means.

This suggests something far darker and far deeper.

However, it has an incantation that goes even lower ... I've felt it as recently as the last week:

"I should have never even existed in the first place. I never deserved to exist."

This strikes at the very core of existentialism.

Now, I must collect everything I have done and put into this world and delete it because I never should have spread that energy in the first place.

Can you imagine feeling such guilt for what you have done, good or bad, that it means the consequences to those actions means you should be completely erased from existence?

I'm so grateful for what I have, but even if I cured cancer, world hunger, provided a UBI system for everyone, I feel like that still wouldn't be enough to make up for anything I've done in life.

Can you imagine living with this pain inside of you every single day?

Can you imagine fighting this monster every moment of your life?

Would you be able to live with a guilt so deep it ruins opportunities for you and cultivates a life of solitude, isolation and loneliness?

It feels like, no amount of money, therapy or medication or changing my perspective or meditation can save me from this.

I am plagued with a mind-virus for life.

This is what it's like living with schizophrenia.

Welcome to the darkness.

So if you see me deleting myself from the Internet or your friends list, the most likely factor is I am feeling regret for what I said or did and am feeling self-destructive in that moment. If one day, you look up and I'm completely wiped from the internet, its because I was never remembered. I was never known. In this ever shifting world where people, stars and light come and go... I may have just gone.

If I deleted you from my friends list in the last 3-4 months of this post and you're reading it now, I've been struggling with this. It's not because we aren't friends anymore, its because I feel like I don't deserve anyone as friends.

and before you hit me with some superficial "just go get help." or "rehab" or "therapy" -- believe me, for 30 years, I have been trying and I'm fucking tired. I'm exhausted thinking I've won the battle only to loose the war.

Believe me... I wish I could be simple like you.

I wish my mind were vacant, empty and completely void of all these distasteful, vengeful, poisonous thoughts.

I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could just walk away from it. I wish I could just stop playing tug-of-war.

I wish I could just get my work done. I wish I could just enjoy the company of my friends, family and present moment.

I've tried interrupting it.

I've tried therapy tactics.

All of them only provide temporary relief to a permanent problem.

That problem is being human. As much as I try to have compassion for humans, I still can't get over the distastefulness that is our emotions.

Fuck emotions. I wish I could be one day numb to them like I see so many others who's lives appear to be much happier than mine.